Marriage is a wonderful thing. This promise allows you to live and grow with a person you love. However, as many of you probably know-growing can be very difficult and sometimes painful. So often the pain or challenges you experience while growing can manifest itself in arguing with the person you love.
So let’s talk about anger and arguing. It is not great to hold anger in but it is also not great to direct it at your spouse just because they happen to be there. Thankfully the Bible does have some things to say about this.
Step One: Stop
I once had a terrible head injury that resulted in me being very combative, angry, and cruel to the first responders and medical professionals around me. Although I was awake, I was not conscious of my actions or decisions. Something that had happened in my life was determining how I responded to a situation.
Since then, I have become my normal self but I have a change in perspective. When people are angry, rude or uncaring I think to myself-maybe they recently had a head injury. Obviously that is not going to be true for most people. However, it reminds me that something could have happened in their life that is influencing them to act this way. It doesn’t excuse it but it does make me sympathize.
I really try to remember this when anger starts boiling in me that I want to direct toward my spouse. This argument could just be happening because of something else going on in life. If that is the case, we need to acknowledge what it is and you can’t do that till you a brief pause button and really look at what is going on.
Step Two: Refocus
When arguing, doesn’t it feel so good to say something in a nasty tone or hurtful toward the other person? Unfortunately, I think we all know the guilt and remorse that follows after.
When you are on the receiving end of something that it is so natural to give it right back to them. It also makes you feel better temporarily. However, in Proverbs 12 : 16 we are told that:
“A fool is quick-tempered, but a wise person stays calm when insulted.”
Keeping your cool and answering slowly and quietly while arguing is the best course of action. Otherwise it becomes a battle of “fools.” A calm response will achieve the most positive results. James 3: 5-6 also shows us this.
“So also, the tongue is a small thing, but what enormous damage it can do. A tiny spark can set a great forest on fire. And the tongue is the flame of fire. It is full of wickedness that can ruin your whole life. It can turn the entire course of your life into a blazing flame of destruction for it is set on fire by hell itself.”
Your spouse is the person you have promised to love and cherish. That in no way opens them up to be a backboard for any nasty thing you want to say toward them. All that does is start a small fire that is fueled to grow between you every time you put them in the way of your nasty words.
Step 3: Forgive
This is probably the most obvious step but you need to forgive your spouse. Forgive them if they are the one who made you mad. Forgive them if they are the ones mad at you.
The Bible has so many things to say about forgiveness but we are going to look at Matthew 18:21-22:
“Then Peter came to him and asked, ‘Lord, how often should I forgive someone who sins against me? Seven times?’ ‘No!’ Jesus replied, ‘seventy times seven!’”
This was Jesus’ way of saying that we are to have an unending supply of forgiveness to extend toward others. This mirrors God’s love and forgiveness toward us. No matter what your spouse has done you can’t have peace in your life without first forgiving them.
Step 4: Correct the Problem
While arguing, once you have a calm heart through forgiveness, it is time to correct the problem. In Mark 3:1 – 6, we are told a story of the Pharisees accusing Jesus of wrong. He is in the synagogue about to perform an act of healing while under the scrutiny of the Pharisees.
Although Jesus was angry, he did not express his anger by insulting the Pharisees. Instead, he healed a man’s hand-he corrected the problem. Just like Jesus you can direct your anger in a direction that will create solutions instead of tearing your spouse down. We need to remember this while arguing. And remember, marriage is more than just love...it’s a promise.
Step 5: Pray
Anytime you experience conflict it is important to be prayerful the entire time. However, I’m not going to pretend like that is always easy or even feels possible. Even if you are not able to remember to be with God during the conflict, it is so important to pray afterward.
Pray for clarity and wisdom in future conflicts and for the next time you become angry. Pray for peace within your marriage. Pray for forgiveness if you were at all rash or insulting in the argument.
On that note…Let’s pray
Father God
You have given us the gift of marriage. In our human ways, we so often forget the gift and use our spouse in a negative way. We are praying for discernment and wisdom in our relationships. Please help us mirror them in a way that represents your relationship with us.
In your love we pray,
Amen.
